My lemon tree blossoming like my life…the sweetest fragrance promising delicious fruits to come.
Lisa Dalton
Loss is such a devastating thing in our lives and it can come in many forms. In my blog two days ago about Leadership in chaos, I was thinking about the loss we experience when a world we hold in joy is shattered. There is a loss of the “joy” that can have such deep meaning in our lives that we feel it as painfully as a death. This can happen when an economic shift happens and a life style change results. It can happen when someone moves away for any reason, good or due to challenge. It happens when a part of your life goes missing. One of the responses to that previous blog said that it is sad when one of those missing parts is a person who can not be replaced. I definitely agree with that feeling, if it were a person missing.
I had imagined another meaning to the phrase “missing parts”. Imagine if the missing parts were not thought of as people, but as elements of energy parts that we have internally and that we have sought to fill through that amazing person and through the celebratory nature of the world we love.
I have loved friends and mentors who have left my daily world-by moving, leaving an organization or by crossing over to another world. Their loss is my inner experience. They are not themselves lost. They are in other places and well at that. And no one will replace them in my heart. And yet, new people enter, different people arrive bringing their own unique joys into my world, and people who were on my periphery, have become my inner circle.
When I reflect on two years of widowhood after 31 years of partnership, time and loving support has helped me creep through the loneliness, the horror of facing a world with part of my heart missing. I have a choice, as do each of us, to continue gazing through the doorway of the past, reaching for what cannot be replaced, victimized by the injustice of it, angry at how wrong it is that it happened… to me. The longer you gaze into that corridor of darkness, the more deeply paralysis sets into you. Rage, grief, depression, hopelessness, numbness, withdrawal-it recycles itself, feeds on itself and eats away at the foundation of your life. It so blinds you that you don’t even notice the doorway behind you. You don’t realize that the light falling on your shoulder must be coming from somewhere other than that tunnel of despair. Only when you turn to that light, do you see that a door is there allowing it to shine on you. Turn to the open door where the light reveals your future. See that there is a future. And just like every moment of the future has always been, it will bring new gifts. You must choose though. And that is the challenge. How does it benefit you to stay in your fear? Your anger, your state of feeling sorry for you? Yes, it may be hard. But truly, how hard is it on the depth of you to stay focused on the dark? How much physical destruction is occurring inside of you? What are you able to contribute to humanity from this weakened state? How do you choose life and what are the ripples of ramifications doing to the larger scope of existence. Yes, You Do Matter. Yes it is in your mind where HOW you matter is decided. It is What YOU FOCUS your attention upon that flavors the quantum soup with your unique spice. To rant beyond the boundaries of health is surely not what was intended by the part of you that is missing. To transform the loss into a gift, to turn to the doorway of new possibilities honors all.
I have had to dig deeply into who I am to know where to go in my life now. I can choose to fill my heart in so many ways. I am invited to deeply explore how to grow by choosing not to replace what was in my life that I lost. That the gaps in my body, mind and spirit will be filled in different ways and hopefully wonderful and surprising ways. The possibility of recovery from loss exists when the Will to lead ourselves through the recovery process aligns our behavior with our perceptions and emotions, generating hope-inspired action. Hope is fueled by images of our dreams fulfilled. Our fulfillment is experienced by having our values met. So I continually ask myself, what needs have I that I feel create the value of relationship? of membership? Knowing what is most valuable to me leads me to the next step. I want to surround myself with an environment that meets those needs. I become enthusiastic to participate fully in that community as I actively seek the positive experience of the ever-changing nature of life.
I hope this helps in accepting the sadness while allowing ferocious curiosity to creep into our minds. The acts of separation are happening and I believe my husband crossed over for his and my highest good. I imagine his peace and joy and feel his inspiration. I imagine my students in Los Angeles who were traumatized by my leaving the studio I built, after 18 years. My life is better for leaving. I know they are safe without me and that I am just a call or an email away. I imagine a world of joyful possibilities opening up for everyone who has left and been left behind, just the same as for those who come. I am curious to see the growth of all of us. I made some tough decisions recently, and turned to the doorway of light. And WOW! The smiles that have welled up in me of late, I thought would never bless my cheeks again. I feel like this lemon tree that I and my dear neighbors and friends have been nurturing is me, blossoming in the sweetest fragrance. if you only go by past lemons you’ll never know that like an orange, the fruit of this Meyer lemon tree is possible to eat. My appeal-choose the new door. Thank YOU!